the $5 question

Alone, walking downtown with a free afternoon. Free because you are too busy to see me, again. Work, again. OK, but I don't feel like going home. I'd like to walk in the air and the sun while it's here to be had.

Just then I pass the animal adoption center on Grand. Through the glass I see rows of dogs plying their tricks of the waggling tails and poked noses to earn a loving home. Turn, I double back on my steps and go in.

It smells pretty strongly of kibble, not the most offensive odor possible for a room filled with canines. I enter and am instantly greeted with barks as I pass each cage. On each is a little sheet of info describing the dog. What breed? Age? Color? Has it had its shots? Male or female? Name? Reason for surrender? There are mutts and hounds of every color. And the reasons for surrender get even more imaginative. "Conflict with other pet. Moved to no-pet apartment. Allergies."

It's no leap to see a parallel with data I've filled out on various online dating (excuse me, social networking) sites. Age? Body type? Eye color? Height? Religion? Brief description? We're all just in our little electronic cages waggling our wares for some love.

And reasons for being left go? "She...Refused to have sex with partner who prioritized career over relationship. Refused to have sex with partner after discovering wife. Is not the right person. Not the right time. Is too selfish."

At one cage I find "Hound, tan & black, Male." His sheet is amended with a handwritten "I'm shy, be patient." As I finger the paper said shy hound comes running toward me with the most honest brown eyes I've seen on a male so far this year. He looks up at me and I look down at him and it's instant love. A wet, black nose presses up to the cage by my hands, begging for affection.

"Name: Alf, reason for surrender: unkown"

This is the romance. He sees me, I see him, and we see only happiness could possibly follow. Alf! We're perfect for each other! I don't just want the dog. I want the lifestyle that goes along with having a happy dog. I'm in a fairy tale where we go for long walks on the beach every morning and play in the park every night no matter what the weather. He cuddles by my feet while I work and smiles happily every time I've entered a room. A happy vista spreads out in my imagination. This rosy scene makes no account for what happens to Alf when I go to work or visit my mom for long periods of time. Our romance is all leap and no look. We're both still in our cages, on good behavior, and haven't faced the day of reconning over soiled rugs or disappointed hearts.

Why doesn't this sweet dog have a home yet?

"May I ask, why haven't you found a man yet?"
"So, where's the hubby?"
"So, why is a woman like you still single?"
"So, where's your date? You're here all ALONE??"

I am sick of the escalating barrage of these questions. The answer must be spun gold that everyone must have! So, next time I get asked I will charge my interrogator $5 to find out! I plan on growing rich!

The answers?

"I haven't been the right partner for someone, yet."
"I got hungry on the plane and ate him."
"Well, like Katherine Hepburn said: 'I could have the admiration of many men or the criticism of one. Which would you choose?'."
"I'm not alone, I'm talking to you."

I have to keep reminding myself that I've never done this before. I've never done this day before. I'm winging it and being patient. I'm reminding myself that there's no hurry. I'm trying to let go and make room for your priorities (and not letting go of mine, either). Everyday I make myself dump the baggage of how that guy back then wasn't right or how I didn't bring my best person to the table and remind myself that I've just plain never done this before.

Me and Alf, well, our hearts are perfect for each other. But his big hound body and my smallish flat are not a great mix. My schedule and his desire to run around could be a toxic combo. I'm not the right human for him, and so I pat his wet nose, wish him the best and walk on. We'll do ok, puppy, and both find that home where we grow past those moments when we disappoint our significant humans to be loving companions.