9.5 years to rebuild

He is a person I knew for five years, the middle two and a half of which we were a couple. For three years I worked at the company he co-owned. For the last twelve months I knew him I was still his employee at the company which began popping at the seams from all the drugs and drinking, but I was no longer his mate. Between the January when I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore and the January when I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore was the day in August when he confronted me while I was trying to walk into Clarendon Liquors. It was about 5:30 pm. It was a Tuesday. I dropped the handle of the door after he marched away and wandered around Copley Square.

I remember looking up at the sun as it filtered through the trees. I was about to loose my job because of my behavior at a party thrown by one of our clients. Just a 3 hour boat cruise around Boston Harbor at sunset with 2 open bars on board. I promised I wouldn't get drunk. I walked up the gang plank, stepped onto the boat, walked 3 paces to the bar and ordered a vodka tonic. I promised I wouldn't be high. But, someone rolled a joint in the office before we took a cab over and, well, can't let good 'tween go to waste. It was just a 3 hour party. Is it so difficult to keep a lid on it for 3 hours? well, yeah. And here I stood, accused of ruining a client relationship due to behaviors I don't even remember doing. I didn't do that... I DIDN'T DO THAT!! I said. I knew he must have been making it all up. I didn't know what a black out was, then.

The problem was, obviously, that I said I wouldn't get drunk and I did. Fine. I'll quit. I. Will. Quit.

...

Bull. shit.

"How many times have you made that promise before? Remember last March when you 'stopped'? That lasted 2 weeks. How about last weekend? How long did you last? a day? Remember two days ago when you had a pile of your drug of choice in front of you, knew that putting that shit into your body would not change anything at all, yet couldn't NOT put the shit into your body? Remember that? Stop? Now you think you can just stop? Show me when that tactic has EVER worked."

"Oh. I can't stop. I can't stop drinking."

"NO."

"So that must mean, if I can't stop, that I'm some sort of alcoholic?"

"Right."

"So that must mean I need the... the... that thing.. OH NO!! No way in hell! NO NO NO! I'm not going to any meeting things or doing any step things and I am not, NOT getting brain washed! NO way man!"

By this point I had stopped walking, I was standing there, on the street, just holding onto a tree and looking up at the sun while some... thing... or someone, talked into my ear.

"Remember Lynn? Was she brainwashed? No, she's one of the people who you admire most in the world. Remember Christina? Was she brainwashed? no, she was not. And Bob? He is living out his dream!"

I let go of the tree. I wandered back to the office, which was empty by then, and opened the yellow pages. I called a number I found in there and one hour later, my life was pointing 180° in the opposite direction.

The next day, he found my discarded paraphernalia stuffed into a filing cabinet. He noticed that I was insisting on leaving the office at 5 pm. Within a week he had guessed what was different. I was going to meetings. If ever we fought before, those conflicts were diminished by our new arguments. As the fog lifted I was a tougher person to be around and to push around. Still worse, I began coming in early with a most annoyingly sunny disposition and I would say "hi" to all sorts of strange people when we walked anywhere. I caught a very bad virus that December and while I convalesced at home, my job was terminated.

January 4th a fight ensued which I ended by telling him I couldn't talk to him again. I told him that we had grown to toxic for each other and it was time for our friendship to go dormant.

"Will I ever talk to you again?"

"Yes, In the spring." Both of our lives were absolutely falling apart from the weight of the lies we'd built them upon.

In March, maybe April of this year (9 years later) we bumped into each other on face book. He has a cute kid and looks happy. We said 'hi' via email. Last week I got a note saying he was in Chicago. I suggested coffee.

We chatted over the phone. We went for a walk and had lunch. Perfectly decent and intelligent person to talk to... and I was completely unable to bring forward the sensation that I knew this person. Beyond the tactical details of life and facial features, I did not recognize him. I asked if he was having the same experience and he said "yes". We are like strangers with the scoop on each other's back stories. We probably never, ever, just sat and had an interesting and intelligent conversation like this. He talks on the phone with his wife twice during the day and the love in his voice and respect in his language are just not that of the person I had a relationship with.

At one point, years ago, I started doing astrological charts for folks to earn some side money. I decided to cast a chart for 5:30 pm, August 4, 1998, Boston MA. In the resulting chart several major planets were trining ( at 120°). Trines are moments when something gets easy, when connections are made. It's like putting a wire with very low resistance between elements of an electrical circuit. Charts mostly just look sort of technical and lopsided. But that day, in that place and at that time, with 2 grand trines in the sky, the chart looked like a lovely star. I fancied that this moment of grace was my star rising. As I look into the clear eyes of this man and hear him talk about the past 9 years I realize that, on that day, the star was rising for all who needed it.