I'm the "one"

Do not look at that oracle again. Do not pick it up. Do not ask the same question you ask every damn time. For just one moment of one day, let it go.

I've had my opinions about what I thought should happen in one situation and what I thought should have happened in another. I wouldn't even have called them opinions at the time, but they were; they were judgments. I thought B~ was a horrible disappointment and that events revealed hideous flaws of character. But I thought that because of my hope and expectations about the direction of our relationship. I really thought we would be in a long term relationship. I could envision him meeting my family or worse, making one. And that will never happen. I can see, now, how my expectations of him proved to mismatch the character he brought to the table. Expectation and hope were the only offenses, really. He was who he was and I came in with an unvocalized demand that the picture we make together look a certain way. Sure, I was willing to do my part to make that happen. But THAT had to happen. This has been the ripple underneath all of my dating escapades - stay with me.

And why do I crave this? It's like some odd obsession whose origins I cannot pin down. It's a chain tethered to some undisclosed location which constantly yanks my thoughts back into the same old rut. Please love me, please stay with me. Not only do I not need this thing I crave, seeking to sate it would be to my great detriment. What if I had married any of those various men I'd pinned hopes and time upon in the past? I'd be miserable! None of them were someone I could have been with for a long time. None of them were 'partners'. And have I ever really wanted a partner? Open the dirty, dark chasm of my mind and what hides in there is a woman shivering with fear and hoping to not face life. She wants someone to hide behind, protect her, hold her hand. That frightened form is a lie.

I feel it already with the Italian. I'm wondering why we don't talk about this or that... go do this or that... why it doesn't feel THIS way. Frankly, it's not supposed to look like anything! He's never ever going to fulfill that secret and unacknowledged fantasy of permanent security. He will never be the perfect partner. He will just be G~ and he'll be around for as long as he or I care to be. I don't know what his soul is up to in this. I don't know what B~'s soul was up to. There's nothing I can take from them. I don't need them to be who I am. What I am here to express will come out regardless. I'm slowly realizing that I'm just simply not here to judge and in not judging I save myself from expectation. In not expecting I take us all off the hook for results.

For a day I give myself a break. I don't let my imagination run anywhere. I don't think of certain people when song lyrics come up. I remind myself that there is no future. And for a bit I feel clean.